6 Things Cats Really Want for the Holidays

As the holiday season approaches, we all think about what we’ll add to the all-important letter to Santa — cats included. We may assume they’d ask for the typical toys and treats, but their feline minds reach a bit further than we’d expect. Here are six goodies cats really want for Christmas.

1. Streaming-service subscription

A subscription to streaming services like Netflix or Hulu are a great gift for humans, but cats would ask Santa for something far more valuable: on-demand sun-streaming. What kitty wouldn’t be thrilled for the ability to summon a sun stream when a nap presented itself? They’d no longer have to cooperate with Mother Nature’s schedule; it’d be all sun puddles, all the time!

2. Holiday gatherings

Sure, cats enjoy a little holiday treat in their bowls on Christmas, but they’re also interested in something far more exotic and alluring. Some kitties might hope their humans plan a large gathering of family and friends. Why would they want that, you might ask? Wouldn’t they just duck behind the fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-love seat? Well maybe for part of the time, but once all the humans were feasting their faces, the cats would move between the chairs of the sloppiest eaters (think: kids’ table) and wait for scraps to fall onto the floor. “It’s raining turkey!”

3. A giant Christmas stocking

Cats are family members, so of course they have stockings hung by the chimney with care. Unlike humans, who look forward to waking up to a full stocking, cats would much rather find a large, empty stocking inside which they could climb. Instant secret lair! This should not come as a surprise to you, dear reader, as it follows suit with the “I don’t want the toy — just the box it came in” cat law.

4. A cat carrier with an escape hatch

Although a few cats don’t mind the cat carrier experience, the vast majority aren’t quite on board. Sure, the top doors are easier on humans and cats than the front-loading ones, but once inside the “chariot of doom,” our kitties would rather sing you the “song of their people” than relax and enjoy the ride. Thus, some felines would ask Santa’s elves to craft a specialized carrier with an escape hatch. As soon as they were locked inside, they could press a button, triggering the hatch and make a run for it. Naturally, this would probably only work once because humans would be wise to the scheme after the first time. But as cats know, we humans aren’t always as smart as we think we are.

5. A laptop computer

A laptop for a cat? What?? Stay with me here for a moment, folks. We know laptops are wonderful, portable tools that allow us to virtually work or play from a coffee shop or the comfort of our bed. You know who else loves our laptops? Cats. Raise your hand if your cat likes to rest his loafed body atop the warmth of your keyboard. It kinda makes sense, then, that cats would want their own laptop so they wouldn’t have to share with you. The thing is, even though a cat would have his very own, he’d still want yours, too.

6. Opposable thumbs

Every cat wishes to wake up on Christmas morning, suddenly gifted with the magic of opposable thumbs. Pesky doorknobs? Opened! Faucet handles? Turned! Food cans? Popped! There would be no end to the delights (and shenanigans) an upgraded appendage would provide.